SELF-LOVE VS SELF CARE

I started this writing but then I briefly googled self-love vs self-care, I guess to assess the landscape of thinking around these two concepts… I tend to avoid doing this before I explore subject as I don’t want to taint or influence my explorations but in this instance I was interested…

A consensus is that self-love is the act of loving self, acceptance of self, gratitude, both mental and physical. Loving who you are in your own skin. Being kind to yourself and so on.

Self-care is described as the act of taking care of yourself both physically and mentally. Taking the time you need to feel at peace. This will look different from person to person, one person’s self-care may be running a hot bath and reading a book, another may be going to yoga, or taking a walk or going to the gym.

I don’t disagree with these definitions but in my own time of reflecting on this all, I’ve had my own insights and ideas.

I’ve done a lot of work on getting out of my own way and untangling myself from the reeds and tentacles of insecurity and inaction…. I’m still in that process and it’s an on-going one, but in doing so it’s made me rethink what self-care and self-love really are for me.

I’ve seen how in the past, Self-care has sometimes been a very short-term action or fix, to ease myself in the moment… for example, i feel stressed so i will stop what I’m doing and rest in bed watching a film or it’s been a hard day, I’m going to have a few drinks to relax myself.

There is nothing wrong with this, but I’ve found that this can develop into something else… i found myself using ‘self-care’ as a label for appeasing myself in the moment and taking me back to comfort… in other words, if i don’t feel like doing something that i originally set out to do, I would start to use self-care as an excuse, even if that thing i set out to do is good for me and of real benefit… oh i don’t feel like going to the gym today, i should rest and chill out instead or ‘oh i don’t feel like working on my writing today, I’m going to watch YouTube instead and relax’…. 

I’m not saying we should spend our life forcing ourselves to do things we don’t want to, there is a lot of power in doing ‘nothing’ time to time, but I see a fine line when it comes to self-care becoming a repetitive excuse for inaction or even an excuse for something that is detrimental to our well-being…. it can become a very short-term focused idea that opens the door to things that in the long term do not benefit and in some cases harm us…

I’ve seen people have a drink every night under the guise of ‘self-care’, or overindulge with junk food too frequently and call it self care, or smoking too much weed…. doing what they want when they want for that short term hit of comfort or pleasure. Self-care then starts to morph into self-sabotage.

Now, self-love, yes i agree, the baseline ground zero is learning to love and accept yourself… but for me, I’ve been recently asking ok, what does loving myself and respecting myself really look like and mean? A couple of years ago I remember being told at the start of my coaching journey, you can’t serve others until you learn how to serve yourself… which stuck with me… so then i ask myself, what is truly serving myself and is it connected to self-love…

Absolutely, for me anyway. To serve anyone takes work and real self-love in my eyes, takes work.

I like to think of self-love as investment into self, more long term then self-care. Self-love can often feel difficult or uncomfortable or simply not appealing or sexy. Self-love is taking action knowing that that action we are taking will lead to growth. Self-love for me takes real discipline and real commitment, a commitment to self.

The gym for me is a clear example of self-care and self-love, I get that immediate hit of endorphins post gym which improve my mood and make me feel good, but I’m also focused on training my body and investing into my future self’s health. I am committed to exercising and improving my strength and fitness… if i wake up in the morning and I just don’t ‘feel like going’… tough, because i am in full commitment to myself and my body that I will damn well get up and train. If a voice arises in me dressed as ‘self-care’ and tells me to stay in bed, it has no chance because I love myself enough to be able to see through my own bullshit excuses and identify the benefits and growth of doing so and i am committed to taking the action.

Another example, I’m growing a coaching business, growing any business from the ground up is scary, there have been already and will be many more challenges and situations that arise that i may initially want to shy away from… ‘oh I’m not ready to present to 100 people’ or ‘I’m not ready to offer coaching to high profile artists’ etc etc…. that fake self-care voice could come in and appease my worries and tell me it’s fine, don’t do it yet, you’re not ready, don’t stress yourself out and put the pressure on yourself, choose the easier route for now…. stay COMFORTABLE.

In these instances, again, i think about if i truly love myself, how am i going to show up for me, for future me? How am i going to lay the path for ME to grow and create the things i want? It may feel scary but fuck me I’m going to jump into that challenge headfirst knowing that I’m doing so for me and the experience and learning i pull from it are going to create so much growth and break down so many internal barriers of doubt within. I love myself enough to walk through the fire knowing that i will be better for it on the other side.

And to push it further, i identify that when i am in phases of heavy inaction, in extended periods of fake self-care or whatever it may be, it’s prime fertile ground for self-loathing, low mood, procrastination, self-doubt and anxiety…. aka low self-love.

Self-love for me pushes me forward, keeps me healthy and motivates me to grab hold of the reigns of my own life. Self-care is there when i need it, a tool, a first aid kit, to bolster me up and keep me balanced in times of need.

And without opening up an entirely new can of worms, there is another pillar of self-love that I feel to touch on and that is Boundaries. Creating and enforcing healthy boundaries can feel very uncomfortable, they can feel selfish or cold and against what we deem our natural way of being… but understanding that setting clear healthy boundaries is an act of real self-love is a good first step.

The saying, how can you truly love someone else if you don’t love yourself comes up when thinking about boundaries because if you do not set clear one’s for you, it is going to be very difficult for you to respect and understand someone else’s.

 Our relationships with others will mirror our relationship with our self.

I guess for me, it’s as simple as the below…

Self-Care – to feel better.

Self-Love – to become better.

x