KNOW / DOUBT

Over the past few years I have embarked on several journeys. Journeys with no real end or destination but journeys that I knew, or actually maybe didn’t know, would have a huge impact on my life. Journeys inwards, deep into the corners of my being that at first seemed like cavernous rigid rock formations, immovable and dense but over time revealed themselves as much more malleable and softer, the deeper i got.

Several of these journeys were closely related. Exploring my caverns of low self-esteem, self-confidence, limiting beliefs, imposter syndrome, insecurities…the list goes on and they’re all from the same dysfunctional family. I’m still on these journeys and the road is far from linear. It’s a road of exploration, investigation, communication, information, and transformation… 

In recent weeks however, I had a bit of a low-key realisation… something that I was probably aware of but hadn’t really deeped. It was like one of those super hero film plots whereby after tackling a selection of what seem to be big boss bad guys…. a higher, more powerful, overlord reveals itself as the real boss bad guy and then proceeds to kick everyone’s arse until our heroes find a miraculous way to defeat said big boss bad guy once and for all…

This big bad boss though isn’t loud, aggressive, or even invasive. It doesn’t sting me or burn me or cause me to curl up into a ball and freeze from life. It doesn’t burst into the room like a SWAT team and hold me up against the wall… it’s much quieter, almost stealth like.

I see it almost like a parasite, a big, heavy slow moving slug like parasite, that once inside you, just lays across your ego, being and spirit… just lays there…. i’m seeing a Jabba The Hutt looking creature, slobbed and spread out. It ingrains itself so deeply and quietly into your being that you don’t even realise it’s there, you are used to the feel of it, so it feels normal. It isn’t loud so you don’t really notice it’s impact but all the while it is slowly but surely strangling your growth and suffocating your spirit.

That big, Jabba The Hutt looking motherfucker is our old friend DOUBT, SELF DOUBT.

Doubt. It almost feels obvious but sometimes it takes hearing or seeing something in a particular way at a particular moment for it to really really land. To overstand from a different perspective and gain new awareness around something that seems so familiar.

Really seeing my doubt in all it’s heavy slug like ‘glory’, made me realise just how huge an impact it has had on my life up to this point. How it’s slobbered over pretty much every decision and thought I have taken in my 36 years, to varying degrees. Sometimes it’s just a dribble, other times it’s a full-blown vomit… but every time it has had some level of impact and left it’s sludgy snail trail all over my path.

Doubt has played such a pivotal role in my life and although I am writing about it freely, it’s heavy. I feel responsible. I feel almost ashamed. I am where I am in life because of the decisions and actions i have taken, yes. I own that, but the knowing that doubt marinated so much of those decisions and actions fills me with a sense of desperation and helplessness… like i want to run back in time and redo it without the doubt’s grasp, thinking where would i be without it, how would life be different? Why did I listen to it?

It’s a dull, chronic feeling…. like a chronic pain that just sits and does it’s thing constantly, quietly… we become used to it and almost bound to it. If it wasn’t there how different would life be? Maybe that scares us? What would my life look like without the constant presence of doubt?

BUT, I’m not hear to swim in a pity pool of doubt and what it’s done. I’m here, in the now and I am aware. I can see my doubt now, I can tangibly feel it and recognise it’s voice. My doubt is obese, hence why Jabba The Hutt comes to mind…. it’s obese because I have fed it for years and years.

When I think about my doubt… and I say MY doubt because yours may be different, I don’t know… but when I think about MY doubt, it’s a bit of a shapeshifter, a chameleon… It adapts to situations that arises and blends in. Camouflaging itself into the backdrop of conscious thought. It is very, very good at operating on a clandestine level. Pulling the strings and conducting proceedings without me ever knowing it’s there.

On many occasion my doubt disguises itself as caution. It convinces me that it’s there to keep me ‘safe’, emotionally, and physically and to not step out of a perceived zone of comfort. It whispers in my ear that I am not ready or that i am ill equipped for what lays ahead. It whispers words like ‘can’t’ and ‘won’t’. It whispers so quietly that I don’t even hear it. I just feel a heaviness at the base of my being which keeps me planted in one spot. Maybe it genuinely thinks we are facing danger and it is innocently doing what it believes it is supposed to do? Maybe it isn’t aware of it’s parasitic nature. Maybe it isn’t even aware that the more it’s words are obeyed the more it grows… maybe doubt itself, is simply trying to eat, grow and survive.

I think for a long time I equated doubt with a lack of belief. I don’t have much self-belief because I have a lot of self-doubt. My self-doubt makes it hard for me to believe in myself.

This makes sense, on the surface. They go hand in hand right? Who knows, I’m no expert, I am simply exploring…. but more recently I’ve had a shift in perspective.

What if the need for belief was laced in doubt?

What if the quest for bettering our self-belief was actually just drip feeding our doubt?

To try to explain what I mean, i need to examine my relationship with the word ‘believe’.

I believe in aliens, that we are not alone in the universe…. wholeheartedly… do i have categorical, undeniable truth they exists yet… no.

I believe in ghosts and spirits… wholeheartedly, I’ve had experiences… do i have categorical, undeniable, tangible truth that i can show someone else to back this up… no.

I believe that JFK’s assassination was a conspiracy… i do…. do I have finite evidence that it 100% was… no.

Behind the above beliefs, there is doubt, silent and still. Whether we are aware of it or not, we are not owning those beliefs with 100% certainty or power. They could, if someone was to provide rock hard evidence to show they were wrong… be swayed in that belief.

So when talking about myself, how does this land?

I believe I have what it takes to do this new job and succeed.

I believe I can grow my coaching business from scratch and create the life I want.

I believe that I can help people through powerful conversations.

I believe that I am a loyal friend, brother and son.

Even if i say these things out loud, it feels like I am trying to convince myself. There isn’t a certainty to them. I am susceptible to external forces which could easily create a change of heart. Doubt is in the room. Invisible, quiet and hungry.

So now what?

I am seeing the power in forgetting the need to believe and instead, coming from a place of knowing.

I know I have what it takes to do this new job and succeed.

I know I can grow my coaching business from scratch and create the life I want.

I know that I can help people through powerful conversations.

I know that I am a loyal friend, brother and son.

Ok this could sound ridiculous, changing one word in a sentence is going to get rid of doubt? No.

It’s about the feeling. The feeling of knowing. The feeling of creating your truth. The feeling of certainty around self which is so potent, so expansive that there is simply no room for doubt.

This isn’t to say that if I come from a place of knowing that I can succeed in any new job, that i won’t have days feeling stressed or insecure or having my confidence knocked momentarily. Of course not. I am human. However, that knowing is what will bring me back to my feet quickly. It’s what will allow me to grow and embrace discomfort because I KNOW I can do this deep down no matter whatever the challenges. Knowing for me is a grounding. 

This also isn’t to say I, who hasn’t played football in years, can just walk onto a premiership football field and ‘know’ that I am the best player on the pitch… that’s ridiculous and would i really be coming from a place of knowing? No. 

To get in touch with my knowing is to get in touch with my intuition, wisdom and purpose. To identify what drives me, what moves me, what awakens my soul. Knowing is certainty. Like your spirit’s compass. Coming from a place of knowing for me will create action and action creates clarity.

Getting in touch with my knowing drives me forward. My actions from knowing are not infused with doubt, therefore they are stronger and more potent. When I come from knowing I am prepared, ready, equipped… I don’t mess about or make excuses; my knowing won’t let me.

……I’ve had a long pause, now I am thinking… what do I truly know? I am writing this all but what do I not believe but know? It’s confronting to say the least.

It’s obviously impossible to know anything about the future, and there’s a beauty in the unknown… I guess the point is coming from a place of knowing to remove the space for doubt.

To be honest my knowing isn’t even a thought, it’s feeling, an energy, a deeper frequency. It’s always there but i don’t always pay it attention. My next steps are to really get in touch with my knowing. I need to act from knowing and feed my knowing with action. It’s a cycle or a loop. Powerful knowing creates powerful action creates powerful knowing.